Laura El Alam
Over the years. I’ve talked with dozens of fellow female converts to Islam, and a surprising number of them share a common narrative: they had met their husbands when they were young, often as university students. Back then, the men weren’t practicing their faith enthusiastically, if at all. Their lifestyle and habits closely matched the non-Muslims around them, and they did not seem to be very concerned with following Islamic rules. Nevertheless, these men usually displayed some characteristics that set them apart, positively, from the crowd: they were hospitable, generous, protective, ambitious, committed to their family, charming, and ready to commit. They became the women’s boyfriends and eventually their husbands.
Things were stable and harmonious in the marriage for a while, but then something momentous happened. Often it was triggered by the birth of their first child, but sometimes it was a death in the family, an illness, or a major setback that inspired the husbands’ epiphanies. Suddenly these men decided to recommit to the faith that had been lying dormant in their hearts. They started practicing Islam with sincere and fervent effort.
The wives watched as their husbands changed their diet, wardrobe, social circle, viewing habits, daily schedule, and vocabulary. Many of the transformations were positive; the men started to lead more wholesome, disciplined, spiritual lives. At the same time, though, there were challenges. Their husbands seemed like strangers, now, so unlike the young men they had dated back in college. Even more problematic was the fact that many of the husbands started expecting–even demanding– that their wives change their lifestyle, too, even though the women were not, at that point, Muslims.
For most of the women I’ve talked with, this is when the tension started. They suddenly felt pressured or guilt-tripped into following Islamic rules when they had never expected, or agreed, to practice the faith. Their husbands had chosen a new path for themselves, which already required adjustment, but then they expected their spouses to get on board, too. The women hadn’t signed up for this. They had married a non-practicing Muslim-by-name, not a practicing Muslim-by-choice.
Amazingly, despite years of turbulence and frustration, many of these women did eventually embrace Islam. Some did so enthusiastically after learning about the faith, but others did it initially as a way to keep the peace in the family. While some might say the women’s conversion to Islam was thanks to their husbands, I would actually say that many times it was despite their husbands and thanks entirely to Allah and the beauty of Islam.
Advice for men
My brothers, if you recognize yourself at all in this scenario – if you were a not-very-practicing boyfriend long ago, and now you are a sincere Muslim husband – that is potentially wonderful. But keep in mind that your wife married one version of you, and it might be difficult for her to adjust to the new version.
Here is my main advice: do not pressure her to become a Muslim. I know you desire a harmonious family, pious children, and a wife who shares your values, but you must remember this: you chose to marry her, knowing who she was and what she believed. Allah has told us explicitly, “There is no compulsion in religion.” [Quran, 2:256]. If you try to guilt-trip her into becoming a Muslim, it will likely backfire terribly. She will resent you and possibly Islam as well.
Try to be the kindest, most admirable and supportive father and husband–a walking example of Islam, a true follower of our beloved Prophet who told his Companions, “The best of you are the best to their wives.”
Allah is the Guide, and He will guide whomever He wills. Make duaa, privately, for your wife’s guidance and wellbeing. In the meantime, if you show the beauty of Islam with your gentleness, leadership, protection, love, and care, then she will naturally yearn to know more about your faith. However, if you make her feel bad about who she is, what she wears, what faith she practices – especially since you chose to marry her like that – then you will probably drive her away.
The keys that might open her heart to learning about Islam are patience, compassion, duaa, acceptance, and a total lack of pressure.
Advice for women
My sisters, if you relate to the scenario above, please take some advice from a woman who has seen it play out many times. Perhaps you have recently embraced Islam, or maybe you are starting to learn about it for the sake of your husband. Possibly you have felt pressured to become a Muslim, and now feel resentful of your husband and/or Islam. Whatever the case, I have some suggestions.
1. Find a female mentor. Your husband should not be your only source of Islamic knowledge. Even if he knows a lot about his faith (or thinks he does), there are undoubtedly some gaps in his knowledge, particularly about Islamic ruling regarding women’s rights and responsibilities. You must seek the truth about Islam – a comprehensive view that is not tainted by cultural baggage, misinformation, or personal bias. WhyIslam has a great deal of information and can also help pair you with a mentor.
2. Take your time. A person should embrace Islam only when they are truly convinced of the core beliefs and not because they feel coerced or pressured. No one should rush the process.
3. Try to find some sincere female Muslim friends. They will teach you a great deal and offer you support, sisterhood, and advice.
4. Do not put your husband-or any Muslim– on a pedestal, or assume that he or she is the perfect example of Islam. And don’t confuse inherent human weaknesses and mistakes with flaws in the religion. For instance, if your husband or another Muslim has a bad habit, commits a sin, or sometimes seems hypocritical, do not blame Islam. We humans are all imperfect. Only Allah is completely without fault or weakness, so look for guidance in Allah’s book, the Quran, and the example of the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him. Islam is a beautiful religion, and you will likely see that once you learn the truth about it.
5. Honor your soul. On the Day of Judgment, each and every one of us will stand alone before our Creator and answer to Him. God will know what was truly in our hearts every time we spoke, acted, and made decisions throughout our lives. We should strive to stand before Him with sincere and wholesome souls, and we can only do that if we have truly owned our spiritual journey.
6. Communicate openly with your spouse. If there are issues that are bothering you in your marriage or the upbringing of your children, do not hold them in and let resentment grow. Talk with your husband. Listen to each other’s perspectives and wishes. Try to find compromise and common ground. Your opinions and needs matter, as do his.
In conclusion, a man’s decision to recommit to practicing Islam should be a blessing and a mercy to his family. It should improve his behavior towards his wife, children, and everyone he interacts with. He should never pressure his wife to become a Muslim, but rather show the beauty of his faith through his words and deeds. If his wife has questions, he should patiently answer them to the best of his ability, but she should also seek Islamic knowledge from reputable sources, a female mentor, and Muslim friends.
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