Laura El Alam
Those of us who embraced Islam as an adult have many years of life experiences behind us. The things we did and the people we spent time with shaped us into who we are. While not all of our pre-Islamic habits, friends, and behaviors were negative, when we choose to submit to our Creator, we usually must change some parts of our former lifestyle. It can be hard to know what is okay to keep, and what needs to be weeded out.
For instance, when it comes to our non-Muslim friends, we might question whether we should keep them in our life. We know that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “A man follows the religion of his friend; so each one should consider whom he makes his friend.” (Abu Dawud)
Does this mean that our only friends should be Muslims from now on? Are we required to cut ties with the non-Muslims we used to hang out with?
Islam does not prohibit us from befriending people of different faiths. In the Quran, our Creator says:
“Allah does not forbid you from dealing kindly and fairly with those who have neither fought nor driven you out of your homes. Surely Allah loves those who are fair.” (60:8)
The key considerations with non-Muslim friends is how they treat and influence us, and whether they compromise our commitment to our faith. If you are in doubt about whether a certain friend is good for you, here are some questions to consider:
1. Does your non-Muslim friend support your conversion? In my own experience, most of my friends were surprised and confused when they first learned that I had embraced Islam. I hadn’t shared the details of my years-long spiritual journey with most of them, so my conversion probably seemed like a sudden, rash decision. All had questions, but there was a distinct difference between them.
With a few friends, our chats about my choice to practice Islam turned into debates. They attacked aspects of the faith that they did not like (and most of their accusations were based on misinformation and ignorance), and I, in turn, felt obliged to explain and justify my choice. Looking back, I wish I had not wasted my time trying to convince those who were so determined to oppose me. I now realize that I did not need to justify my decision to anyone, and I can see the arrogance of their attitude. They believed they alone were right, and that their lifestyle was the only way. They certainly weren’t asking me whether I approved of their beliefs, practices, and philosophies, so why did they feel entitled to pass judgment on mine? These non-Muslim “friends” gradually disappeared from my life, and I knew I was better off without them.
Other friends, however, took the time to listen patiently to my reasons for converting. They may not have agreed with all of my beliefs, but they were respectful of my decision and willing to learn and to challenge the stereotypes they had grown up with. These friends stayed in my life, and as time went on, we found many common values and enjoyed the things that made us similar and compatible.
2. Does being with a particular friend make you want to resume old habits that you’re trying to break? Before you chose to embrace Islam, you may have participated in some activities or actions that you now know are haram (impermissible). Sometimes, you did those things regularly with a specific friend, so much that your entire relationship revolved around that activity. For instance, maybe there was a friend you always went clubbing with, or another who encouraged you to use foul language. Does seeing that friend nowadays tempt you to fall back into old habits? Do they try to convince you to violate your Islamic principles?
When deciding whether to keep certain people within our orbit, we need to be aware that our friends’ example rubs off on us. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “The example of a good companion (who sits with you) in comparison with a bad one, is like that of the musk seller and the blacksmith’s bellows (or furnace); from the first you would either buy musk or enjoy its good smell while the bellows would either burn your clothes or your house, or you get a bad nasty smell thereof.” (al-Bukhari)
If you know in your heart a person is likely to pull you away from the Islamic manners you’re trying to display, then it is a clear sign that you need to avoid their company.
3. Is your friend willing to make mutual compromises so that you can both be comfortable and authentic with each other? Hanging out with non-Muslim friends can be beneficial, as long as we’re not compromising our faith. This requires mutual respect for each other’s non-negotiables. For instance, your Christian friend might agree not to order an alcoholic beverage when you two meet for dinner, and you might tactfully avoid red meat if they’re giving it up for Lent. If you can both freely discuss your boundaries and needs and make efforts to accommodate each other, then the friendship is likely to be positive. We can all benefit from interfaith relationships that are based on a foundation of kindness and respect.
Who are the best companions?
It is narrated by Ibn Abbas that the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) was asked, “Who is the best companion?” He (peace be upon him) replied, “The one when seen reminds you of Allah; and whose speech increases your knowledge; and whose actions reminds you of the Hereafter.” (Adab al-Mufrad)
While spending time with your non-Muslim friends can be constructive, it is important, as a new convert, to make efforts to forge friendships with practicing Muslims, as well. God willing, these brothers and sisters will teach you about our faith, show you the beauty of Islamic brotherhood/sisterhood, and welcome you into the community so that you can enjoy Eid celebrations, Ramadan iftars, congregational prayers, and other gatherings. Being mindful of Allah is our number-one priority as Muslims, so we should seek and treasure the friends who support us in this goal.
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