By Laura El Alam
Islam greatly stresses the importance of maintaining family ties, and converts with non-Muslim relatives are no exception to this rule. We are encouraged to have a positive relationship with our family members even if our beliefs differ. For those whose loved ones try to support and understand their Islamic lifestyle, this may be an easy task, but others might face significant challenges. Over the years I’ve heard numerous stories from fellow converts about conflicts they’ve had with their non-Muslim relatives.
The situation is often most complicated when the convert’s children are involved. As an adult who embraced Islam later in life, the convert is familiar with their family’s customs and mindset, but is now firm in their Islamic convictions. However, their children are young, impressionable, and easily confused. Many converts find that things they can ignore when it comes to themselves are intolerable once their children are involved.
Some of the behaviors that have caused conflict between converts and non-Muslim family members include:
- drinking alcohol at family gatherings
- insisting on including the convert’s children in non-Muslim holidays, i.e. sending them Valentine’s cards, making them Easter baskets, giving them Christmas presents, etc. against the converts’ wishes
- involving the convert’s children in activities that conflict with Islamic values
- serving pork products
- encouraging or pressuring the converts and/or their children to participate in un-Islamic religious ceremonies, rites, etc.
- opposing the Islamic dress code and negatively influencing the children on this topic
- trying to convince the converts and/or their children to renounce Islam or practice a different religion
If any of these sound familiar, here are some tips:
1. Clarify your needs.
What are the main things that are causing conflict with your non-Muslim relatives? If you are married, discuss the problem with your spouse so you can share your concerns and come to an agreement. Are there some behaviors that you can ignore because they aren’t that serious and don’t compromise your faith? Are there other things that are non-negotiable? Decide what can and cannot be tolerated.
2. Communicate
Communicate your needs kindly and clearly with your relatives. Sometimes a non-Muslim honestly does not know that a certain action goes against Islam. If you have never discussed your beliefs about certain issues with them, you cannot expect the non-Muslim to know.
For example, this might mean saying:
- “Mom, it’s very important to us that our children only celebrate Islamic holidays. We don’t want them to be confused about their beliefs.”
- “Kate, our kids love spending time with you, but we don’t want them to watch anything with explicit or disturbing content, so please check with us before you show them a movie.”
- “Uncle Pete, in Islam alcohol is prohibited, and we don’t want to be around people who are drinking.”
3. Offer alternatives or compromises.
Sometimes a middle ground can be reached. For instance, if a non-Muslim relative loves to celebrate holidays with gifts, cards, and decorations, suggest that they pour their enthusiasm into Islamic holidays or celebrations without religious roots.
My own mother who loves Christmas, Halloween, and Valentine’s Day has kindly agreed to finding alternative ways to celebrate with my kids. She throws festive parties for them every time she comes to visit, but the theme is always secular, like “winter fun” or “celebrating summer.” She loves to decorate, wrap gifts, serve food, and have fun with my kids, and this way, there is no religion involved.
Another example would be asking your relatives to postpone drinking alcohol at a gathering until after you and your kids have left, at a predetermined time.
4. Set boundaries.
If you have explained your beliefs, values, and expectations clearly and offered alternatives, but your family members persist in defying your requests, it is time to set down some firm boundaries. Boundaries entail speaking up for yourself and taking responsibility for your own feelings and actions, but also clearly communicating what you want from the other person. Boundaries can sound like, “If you say or do X again, I will need to do Y.”
For a convert, this might mean having conversations like these:
- “Dad, if you offer my children pork products again, I will need to stop bringing the kids to your house.”
- “Jim, if you use foul language in front of my kids again, I will not be able to let them spend time with you.”
- “Aunt Maria, if you encourage my kids to pray to a statue of a saint with you again, we will need to end our weekly visits.”
5. What if you’ve set clear, firm boundaries, but they still ignore or violate them?
That’s when it gets really tricky. Muslims are not supposed to sever ties with their family members for no good reason. Just because someone says something negative about Islam, for instance, we are not supposed to cut them out of our life.
“It is not permissible to break contact because a family member offends Islam,” writes Abu Athari, a Muslim author. “This is something that many of the Sahaba [Companions of the Prophet] had to deal with immediately after their conversion. Their parents and relatives would insult Islam. Nowhere does it say that it would be valid or permissible to cut off contact with such a family member.”1
However, there are situations where cutting ties, at least temporarily, is not only permissible but necessary. “One can sever ties with family only when the reasons for doing so are valid,” writes Abu Athari. “Generally, it is considered a major sin to cut family ties in Islam. This applies to every family member, including grandparents, uncles, and aunts, parents, children, brothers, sisters, etc. But some people do not deserve permanent access, even if they are your parents, grandparents, or children. Islam came with boundaries to protect the people from abuse and injustice. Injustice is unacceptable in Islam.”2
Some instances where it might be necessary (and permissible) to cut ties with family members include unbearable treatment or abuse of any kind (emotional, physical, sexual) or a situation where being with a certain person makes you tempted to stop practicing your deen because their influence is so toxic.
Throughout any conflicts, we must strive to display excellent manners. As Muslims, we should make sure our tone, demeanor, body language, and words are respectful, no matter how upset we are. Sometimes we think certain individuals don’t deserve respect because their behavior is so upsetting, but Muslims are commanded to maintain good adaab (etiquette) no matter what, especially with our parents and other relatives. In the Quran, God tells us:
We have entrusted the human being with the care of his parents. His mother carried him through hardship upon hardship, weaning him in two years. So give thanks to Me, and to your parents. To Me is the destination.
But if they strive to have you associate with Me something of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them. But keep them company in this life, in kindness, and follow the path of him who turns to Me. Then to Me is your return; and I will inform you of what you used to do. [Quran 31: 14-15]
Also remember that just as we are entitled to make requests and set boundaries, so are our non-Muslim loved ones. We should be respectful of their needs, suggestions, and religious practices. Our dawah (calling to Islam) should never be forceful, but instead implicit in our beautiful manners and loving, peaceful, wholesome behavior.
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